funeral ETIQUETTE

Funeral Etiquette

Many of us are unsure about what encouraging words to say to the family or how to interact and respond to their feelings of sorrow. Knowing a few funeral etiquette rules can help anyone be more comfortable in both a funeral and visitation setting.

What to Say and What Not to Say

A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is appropriate when offering your condolences. Say what feels right in the moment. Avoid phrases such as “they are in a better place” or “this is God’s plan” because they may not hold these views.

What to Wear

Learn what the dress code is beforehand. Now that funerals are more personalized, not everyone will want their guests to wear black. If there is no dress code, assume that you should dress conservatively, without bringing attention to yourself.

Where Should I Sit?

Many people attend funeral services and are unfamiliar with seating arrangements. Typically, at both the funeral and visitation service, the first rows of seats are reserved for family members. If you are not a part of the family, choose a seat behind the reserved seating.

What Should I Do?

Arriving on time is very important. When entering either the funeral home or another location, enter as quietly as possible. If you are attending the visitation, speak to the surviving family members and offer your condolences before taking a seat. Cellphone use during a service is inappropriate. If you feel you must answer a message or call, excuse yourself and walk into another room or outside.

Religious and Ethnic Customs

If the family has religious or ethnic customs different than your own, it is helpful to find out any special considerations before the service. You can ask us for advice and additional resources if you are unsure.

Paying Your Respects

When there is an open-casket, guests are expected to visit the casket and pause for a moment of silence. You will know if the family will show you to the casket or if you are to approach it on your own. If you are uncomfortable viewing the deceased, you do not need to view them.

Giving Flowers and Gifts

Sending flowers to the funeral home or home is an appropriate way to offer condolences. In some cases, the family members may ask for donations to be made to a particular foundation in lieu of flowers, and those wishes should be honored. Bringing food to the grieving family is another way to show respect to those who are suffering from the loss. A less expensive and completely appropriate option would be to send the family a sympathy card. There is no specific time or expiration on when cards can be sent.

Signing the Register Book

Please neatly sign your full name when signing the family's register book.

Avoid Cellphone Disruptions

To avoid any disruptions, silence or turn off your phone before entering the funeral home.

What Should I Do About Children?

While there isn’t a definite answer to this question, a child attending a visitation or funeral service depends on the situation or relationship to the deceased and their family, as well as the age of the child and whether or not they can appropriately behave. If you decide to take your child to any service, explain what will occur while at the service and how they should act during that time.

Funeral Procession Etiquette

New Hampshire Funeral Procession Laws: 

The current funeral procession laws in NH (Statutes 265:156) state:

“The operator of a funeral lead vehicle shall comply with stop signs, yield signs, and traffic control signals. When the funeral lead vehicle has proceeded across an intersection in accordance with a signal or after stopping as required by a stop or yield sign, all vehicles in the funeral procession may proceed without stopping, regardless of the sign or signal. The lead vehicle and the vehicles in the funeral procession shall proceed with due caution. Operators of vehicles in a funeral procession shall have the right-of-way.”

Lead vehicle: The operator of a lead funeral vehicle has the responsibility of proceeding with due caution, and also the right of way with other vehicles. The lead vehicle must comply with all stop signs and other traffic control signals. At all times, the lead funeral vehicle must display a purple flashing light or emergency light.

Vehicles not in the funeral procession: Drivers not part of the funeral process shall not drive between the vehicles forming the procession while it is in motion, except when directed by a police officer or if the vehicle is an emergency vehicle giving an audible or visible signal. Vehicle operators that are not part of a funeral procession are expressly prohibited from joining the funeral process to gain right of way. Vehicles may not attempt to pass vehicles in a funeral procession on a two-lane roadway. When a funeral procession proceeds through a red signal, any driver not part of the procession may not enter the intersection, even if they have a green signal, unless they can enter and exit the intersection without crossing the procession’s path.

Aside from the NH laws for funeral processions, there are also common rules of etiquette to be followed if you are part of the funeral procession or encounter one while driving. There are ways to ensure the procession isn’t broken on the way to the cemetery or burial ground:

Procession participants:

Participants in the funeral procession should maintain slower speeds than normal and should remain as close as safely possible to the car in front of them during the procession. This will help prevent other vehicles on the road from interrupting the procession.

Headlights and four-way hazard flashers must remain on, for every car in the procession, for the entire duration of the procession.

It’s important to remain in line with the procession from beginning to end.

Unless it is unsafe, drivers are permitted to go through a red light at intersections to maintain the integrity of the procession. All other drivers are required to yield for the procession line.

The last driver in the procession line will usually be a funeral home vehicle and be marked with white and purple flashing lights signifying to other drivers where the procession ends. In cases where a procession is quite long, there may be flags placed on multiple vehicles throughout the procession.

Immediate family members should arrive at the funeral home or church well before the procession starts (about 45 minutes early) to be near the front of the procession.

Other drivers, not in the procession:

It’s important to recognize the signs indicating that a funeral procession is on the road, and to drive accordingly. Funeral processions often begin with a lead car, usually a funeral home vehicle marked by white and purple flashing lights, or law enforcement or other emergency vehicles may also lead, or be involved in the procession.

If you see these signs, it’s important to be courteous and let the procession pass.

After the lead car, you will see the hearse, followed by any family cars, limousines, and the remaining procession participants. The first family car is sometimes marked with a funeral flag, or a bright orange Funeral sticker on the windshield. The last driver will typically be a funeral home vehicle and clearly marked with flashing white and purple lights, just as with the lead car.

Some processions will have flags marking every car in the procession; others will only have flags for the front cars and the final car. All cars should have their headlights and four-way hazard flashers on. It is incumbent upon other drivers on the road to be cognizant of what funeral processions look like.

Be respectful to a funeral procession.

Regardless of whether you’re in a hurry, or just plain impatient, it’s highly disrespectful to not yield to cars in a funeral procession. They should be clearly marked and behaving uniformly and, therefore, easy to spot in traffic. Use common sense, and tune into your considerate side. Don’t cut people off. Don’t honk. Don’t try to pass the procession. You may have lost a few minutes by letting the procession pass, but try to remember that the people in that procession have lost something far greater – a loved one – and they’d probably give a whole lot to trade places with you.

It is a violation, punishable by steep fines in New Hampshire, to interfere in any way, with a funeral procession.

One more reminder: Despite the fact the procession has the right of way, it’s important that vehicles in the procession exercise caution, because not everyone is aware of the laws.

Always be on the lookout for cars trying to dart through an opening or who hit the gas when the light turns green.

Are you supposed to pull over for a funeral procession?

When a funeral procession proceeds through a red signal, any driver not part of the procession may not enter the intersection, even if they have a green signal, unless they can enter and exit the intersection without crossing the procession’s path.

Can you pass a funeral procession?

NEVER try to pass the procession. You may have lost a few minutes by letting the procession pass, but try to remember that the people in that procession have lost something far greater – a loved one – and they’d probably give a whole lot to trade places with you.

We've also put together a short guide to help you pay your respects with courtesy and enjoying a peaceful experience when visiting a cemetery.

Cemetery Etiquette

Follow the Cemetery’s Rules

Follow any of the rules posted on the signs around the cemetery. This includes cemetery hours, flower restrictions, and rules about pets. They are written to help all guests have a peaceful experience visiting their loved one.

Be Respectful of Other Mourners

Please give everyone their space and privacy, especially if a funeral is happening.

Respect the Graves and Monuments

It is disrespectful to touch the headstones and monuments, as this can damage them. Never remove any of the items placed by the gravestone that could be left by a family.

Lower Your Voice

Many mourners want quietness when they are visiting grave. Speak softly and quietly and have your phone silenced or off.

Keep the Cemetery Clean

Never litter or leave behind your trash. Either find a garbage can or bring it with you.

Look After Your Children

If you bring children, make sure to keep a close eye on them and keep them from running, yelling, and playing or climbing on graves and monuments. Teach them to act in a respectful and considerate manner.